Tears to God
I cried a lot today. Maybe the most since my dad passed. It seemed no matter what I looked at, what I read, what I heard, or what I did, my thoughts came back to him.
It’s not like thoughts of him haven’t consumed my day before. I’ve spent many days missing him, remembering him, thinking of him.
But today the pain took my breath away. Today, the need for his hug knocked the wind from my lungs. Today, the need for his laugh put a lump in my throat. Today, I was somewhere between paralyzed and completely dismantled, and no self-pep-talk, no reasoning, no venting, no change of subject, no distractions were getting me out of it.
I’ve managed to navigate through the first 7 months, of my earthly existence, without my dad so far, but today I needed him.
Sure, I’m 31 years old. I’m a grown woman with a family of my own. I know right from wrong, up from down, and I can understand why lipstick don’t do nothin’ for a pig.
But today I needed my dad.
I did all the “things” to navigate through it. A nice meditation, prayer, and yoga. Listened to a sermon online. Turned on some music (which only made me cry harder). Talked about how I was feeling. Shared where I was at. Went for a walk. Tried distractions like work, play time, and even gymnastics with Millie. I looked at pictures. I watched the sunset. I drank tea.
IT STILL HURTS!
But you know what... grief is not a problem... it can’t be “fixed”.
I cried a lot today. But that’s OK. I loved my dad a lot.
“...[so] go out to the woods and tell the trees. It is an immense relief to be able to tell your story without someone trying to fix it. The trees will not ask, “how are you really?” and the wind doesn’t care if you cry.” -Megan Devine, It’s OK that You’re Not OK
”Tears are prayers too. They travel to God when we can’t speak.” -Psalm 56:8